When original stories are butchered, superhero movies suck for a reason.

Hollywood loves taking the cheap route when it comes to film making. They work movies like FEMA HUD housing projects; cookie-cutter storylines, token characters and modernized themes rolled into a pile of shit to please the masses. Today’s directors strive for mass appeal instead of targeted audiences.

Hollywood action figure, He/She Man

It begins after the screenplay is agreed upon. Movies are whittled down to nothing in screenwriter committees; final casting is based on exaggerated budgets and financially strained by bloated and talentless actors. More time, money and energy is spent on special effects and over inflated egos, while the cheapest commodity in movie making- the storyline, is flushed down the toilet. Hollywood believes big name actors, not plot, lead to box office draws. Even the highest paid superstars can’t save sinking movies that have been butchered on the story board. Their drug induced logic is counter-intuitive.

No Donald Blake in the new Thor (2011) movie.

Thor (2011) completely deletes the original character of the 1962 Marvel comic book story created by Stan Lee and fans will not be happy. Originally, Odin casts his arrogant son to earth and into the body of handicapped medical student Donald Blake. Blake finds out he is the Norse God of Thunder during the course of the comic and leads a double life as doctor and superhero, helping the sick and fighting evil. Donald Blake is a key element of the Thor legacy. Source: Wikipedia.

    

By eliminating Thor’s human alter-ego, Hollywood ditches a significant character to have more beefcake time with leading guy Chris Hemsworth to avoid paying another actor to play Donald Blake. Hollywood you suck.

Captain America is not a draft dodger.

The original comic book story of Steve Rogers’ aka Captain American starvation in a German prisoner of war interment camp has been removed in the 2011 Captain America release. Hollywood jumps ahead to the super soldier serum injection but at least spend the money to show a scrawny Rogers up to his superhero transformation. The story is set during WWII which is appropriate per the storyline. Captain America will be the summer 2011 hit, not just for the Marvel Universe, because they stuck to the original story. Rumor had it that yes, Will Smith was tapped to play the comic icon. Any director or producer who even flirted with that idea is a Communist and should be expelled to the Arctic Circle where the Captain America movie ends.

With “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” scrapped,  Hollywood actually allows Captain America (2011) to show the United States military as a positive force, albeit nearly 60 years ago. It’s OK to fight Nazi war criminals and smash their faces in with the shield of America. We at the Hollywood Walk of Shame agree.  Hats off to writers Chris Markus and Stephen McFeely. Other Marvel and D.C Comics movies should have followed your lead. That is what made the Punisher War Zone and The Watchmen mindless enjoyment.

Wonder Boy in tights.

Spiderman is a pussy, consistently. Sam Raimi directs Tobey Maguire to be as slobbering and emotionally weak as possible in the role of the Web Slinger. Instead of chasing tail and going out on dates like a normal college kid, Raimi has Peter Parker cry incessantly throughout the series, up to the blubbering Spider Man 3. Maguire’s Peter Parker actually wears mascara, dances at a jazz club, reads poetry and has internal battles with his own sexuality. Raimi’s pitiful version of Spiderman is Dawson’s Creek on rooftops. Written by pussies, directed by pussies, acted by pussies and enjoyed by pussies. However, pussy is the last thing on their minds. We all know Peter Parker had no problem with ladies, per Stan Lee and the comics. Why the need to turn Spiderman into a queer, then?


Enter Tim Burton’s and Joel Schumacher’s world, but do wear a condom.

Tim Burton does a good job on subliminal visuals and dark themes in his movies, but his stories suck. Scrawny Michael Keaton was too weak-chinned to be the Dark Knight; Val Kilmer did a good job despite his pouty Botoxed lips; and Clooney’s distracted version of the Cape Crusader (and Batman & Robin’s childish plot) sank the Buttman films to the buttom of cinematic dung heaps. Maybe that was their intention.

Holy Buttcrack, Batman! They fagged up your custom!


Batman and Robin was less entertaining than the Ambiguously Gay Duo. Luckily the franchise has been saved by a real man, real writers and real actors. Thank you Chris Nolan.

Queers usually don’t make good superheroes, save Ace and Gary. Two thumbs eagerly up, little buddy!!! Segue to Superman Returns.

Buns of Steel on the big screen.

Bryan Singer, another openly gay Hollywood director, is like kryptonite to the original Superman story. His version of the Clark Kent character was designed to appeal to the Perez Hiltons of the world. Despondent and other-worldly, Singer sees Superman as an asexual alien who just happened to bond with Lois Lane.


Bryan Singer directing a naked Wolverine is all giggles.

Brandon Routh acts like the original Christopher Reeve with uncanny reprisal of the Chris Weitz character in the homoerotic sleeper Chuck & Buck, written by and featuring the fruity Mike White. Similarly, White has become a powerhouse in Hollywood’s gay underground of writers and producers, though hiding in cameos of work as a nerdy intern, such as on ABC’s Glee and other gay friendly episodes. Bryan Singer’s not so subliminal but totally seminal messages permeate his twisted version of the modern superhero in both the X-Men and Superman Returns. Sorry Hollywood queers, comic icons were never shirtless Gap models.

 Chuck & Buck, inspiration for Superman Returns with a butt buddy?

The X-Men trilogy included gay characters in drag and torn lace. The story was based upon a genetic mutation that normal people outlawed [gay sex] and ostracized those transformed by hereditary disorders [being born]. Hollywood likes to take the science out of the original stories and inject their politics and world view. Movies don’t have to be ultra violent to be enjoyable, but that is for us to decide, not Hollywood. Gay directors must hate intense battle scenes and almost always cast a female villain. These Wonder Women from the Amazon are capable of fist fighting their male counterparts, despite being outweighed 3 to 1. Don’t be afraid to use your nails, boys.

Scoutmaster and funny man Paul Lynde in the Mounties, but in the closet sort of.

We’re not saying homosexuals aren’t talented, funny or capable of writing poignant stories. We’re just saying they aren’t any in Hollywood and we don’t want to watch them queering up potentially good action movies.

Pass the ass wipe, Mr. Fantastic.  

 

 

Barbershop director Tim Story won the token toss and was chosen to screw up this Marvel favorite. Writers Mark Frost and Michael France pulled the Fantastic Four (2005) script right out of each others’ intellectually devoid arses. The banter between the characters is akin to Power Rangers or something from the 1970’s Krofft Supershow. Even my 4 year old says this movie sucks. The special effects are lame and the Thing looks like claymation.

 Saturday morning cartoons are now officially better than Hollywood.

Jessica Alba hones her acting abilities on the set on Fantastic 4.

Rise of the Silver Surfer had a slightly larger budget and less room to screw up, but still the incessant back and forth dialogue between characters as a subplot is simple irritating mindless filler.
         

                    why do you keep running your goddamn mouth?

Superheroes are super for a reason: they don’t have everyday bullsh*t problems and fight amongst each other. They don’t jibberjabber or have speech impediments from listening to too much rap music. If they’re gay, they keep it to themselves while they fight crime. Hollywood is incapable of exploring the ‘human element’ because they are brain damaged from drugs and AIDS. Fire the writers and start over Hollywood. What is the problem out there? Is there a quota of disadvantaged (i.e. minority) directors that the Marvel enterprise has to meet, hence the Fantastic 4 having to be rebooted from scratch? Tim Story should stick with Nickelodeon and directing Queen Latifah and Jimmy Falon.

Supah Ninjas on Nick in the ghetto, directed by Tim Story- with George Tekei, Oh my!

Rumor has it suckie Zombieland writers Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick have been penned to create more crap in a sequel and possible Deadpool movie. The horrible looking Green Lantern starring Ryan Reynolds hasn’t bombed yet at the box offices, however Hollywood can’t wait to cast the talentless child hack in a major role. Ryan Reynolds’ acting consists of whispers, puppy dogged eyes, taking his shirt off and running to the bathroom. Prior to that he was cast to cuss incessantly and act like a dick. Will Green Lantern be any better? Of course not. As in the Green Hornet, trailers show the movie to contain a Jewish sidekick [wasn’t Rogen second fiddle to Kato in Hornet?] who has nothing to do with the original storyline. Hollywood promises Ryan Reynolds will reprise his role as the smart ass, foul mouthed piece of shit he attempted to portray in an X-Men Origins: Wolverine spin off, Deadpool: Dead on Arrival.

Wade Wilson, aka Deadpool, loses his cool during a Fourth Wall moment.

Wow. A spin off -of a spin off. No acting lessons required after the Green Lantern DC Comic icon is turned to shit this summer. Good news is only if Reese and Wernick stay true to the Deadpool story and disfigure the character again, as was done in the Wolverine movie, i.e. transformation into Weapon XI. This may be as enjoyable as watching Hayden Christensen take a lava bath in Revenge of the Sith. Any movie with Ryan Reynolds’ mouth sewed up might be watchable. The audience of a Resse/Wernick  movie would also like to, as they say “break the Fourth Wall” and choke all the characters.

Queer producers, token directors, talentless actors and worthless out of touch writers have turned the majority of these potentially memorable superhero movies into shit. Thanks again Hollywood for your contribution to American society and the decline of our civilization.

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