Posts Tagged ‘Ryan Reynolds’

The same confused and baffled puppy dog look in every movie.

Ryan Reynolds still has not taken those acting lessons to get those chops up a notch and out of the Dollar General bargain bin and par with something movie goers can actually sit through. Other than the God-awful Dead Pool, every movie this guy is in is a certifiable box office bomb. Despite the continuous bad acting, flop after flop keeps Reynolds on the late night talk show circuit and the Lionsgate payroll. Next he teams up with America’s second favorite negro in another forgettable waste of time, The Hitman’s Bodyguard.

Go the F*ck to Sleep.

In this latest Black-on-White romp, Sam “the MuthaFucka” Jackson piles on his signature ghetto babble, spitting and cursing through every line, while Reynolds narrates his over-rehearsed, rushed, and unbelievably scripted bullshit. Reynolds always sounds like he’s on a job interview at Star Bucks and about to piss his pants.

There is no one dumber, more annoying, or ubiquitous than this fucker.

We can’t really critique something we’ll never actually watch, so maybe there will be some Easter Eggs, cameos, and funny bloopers in the end credits. This is like the 20th movie this year for Samuel Jackson. By 2019, this crack head will be in every single movie and on every TV and cable channel, 24-7.

I’m everywhere, goddamit. I’m in your dreams and when you wake up.

What’s in your bowl, bitch?

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Reach for it fellas.

Words we will never hear:  “and the Oscar goes to Ryan Reynolds…”

“Let’s start shooting the Green Lantern sequel immediately…”

“Someone reach in there and get those limited edition copies of Green Lantern out of the dumpster…”

Hollywood fells the pressure building inside their surgically reduced colons to produce a gay comic book superhero. Instead of creating one from scratch they have decided to deliberately ruin a perfectly good All-American cartoon icon by switching underwear with the Green Lantern.

Hollywood has already screwed up the big screen version of the Green Pooper in the Adventures of an Asshole Named Hal Jordan, starring Ryan Reynolds. Now bowing to pressure from the Gay Hollywood Mafia, DC Comics has introduced a homosexual version of the Emerald Knight. He was gay all along, according to Justice League logs.

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Flame on!

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Marvel Comics recently married off one its minor superheroes in a gay X-Men edition. “Northstar” had been outted back in 1992 and fights against “bigotry.” He makes it official with his black boyfriend in Astonishing X-Men # 51.
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Following in Marvel’s footsteps, DC Comics announced their superhero coming out of the closet in a reboot design around a gay friendly alternate universe called “Earth 2.” Just how many gay people read superhero comics targeted at red-blooded pre-pubescent 12-year old boys? Think about what happens to the Green Lantern franchise of toys and collectibles. Who is going to be the Queer Lantern on Halloween? What is next? Superman gets AIDS? Daffy Duck gets a sex change? Turn the Hulk into a switch hitter?

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(courtesy Fox News)

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With this ring, I do wed Hollywood style.

We may never know whether or not Ryan Reynolds is gay or has his acting chops down well enough to play in the Green Lantern Sux Forever sequel. Perhaps there will be a proposal and homoerotic nuptials in the reboot? Along with some Broke Back Mountain action to slobber all over our popcorn?

It would be sad if it weren’t so darn funny to watch Hollywood in its final drugged out AIDS infested death throes. There is not one kid in America who will ever buy, rent, or see another Green Slattern piece of merchandise.

Movies on tight budgets usually have the story gutted on the cutting floor, leaving it to Hollywood to inject the most sickening character actors into a dying plot (a la The Day the Earff Stood Still). Battle Los Angeles has potential to be better than producers intended, however the aliens suck and the movie offers nothing but Marine banter with loud bangs and pops. Granted, the Marines in the movie are cool, but the aliens not so much as random CGI shot through long distance view finders. The illegal aliens living in Los Angeles are the subplot. Real aliens land to take over L. A., then enters the mainly Hispanic civilians to be rescued. Basically, the movie turns South of the Border within the first 30 minutes.

Aye Papi! Send in the Marines...we can't swim...just kidding!!!

The beaches of Santa Monica are the backdrop of the first wave of alien invasion to be the antithesis of the constant wave of illegal migrant workers from Mexico. What Battle L.A. lacks visually, it does make for a good recreation audibly of what combat sounds like, especially in Dolby high def. The movie sounds goods, looks good in the trailers but that’s it. The movie is apparently the stepping ground for something else, like a test pilot for a Transformers-type movie. They almost got it right, save the fucking stupid storyline.

Meteor shit!

B. L. A. also has no characters, no plot, no subtext and no reason. So why does the Marine unit headed by Staff Sergeant Aaron Eckhardt spend their time saving all the wetbacks before the Air Force nukes the place? The Michael Pena familia, don’t you know, Papi Chulo, he’s a distinguished actor? Guess all the smart people had their jumper cables ready when the meteorites started landing and left town before the looters. Slimy haired Michael Pena and other “undocumented civilians” and their interactions with the soldiers is the bulk of this movie. Basically the movie is about one Marine sergeant trying to give one little Mexican kid some life lessons after his daddy (Pena) is finally drugged away by space bugs, as if they were the INS. They ran out of story, they ran out of money and they ran out of characters, so to make it dramatic they just have the same interactions with the same two characters for the life of the movie. They really ran out of talent.

 

Michael Pena last seen with Caylee Anthony? Or will he play the cop again?

If you’re looking for action and science fiction, this movie ain’t it. It is cookie cutter, it is stupid and more over it is just plain insulting. Mexican Americans can obviously take care of themselves, but the stupid little fruit pickers don’t have a ride out of town and are left behind. Wow Hollywood, who came up with that? Due to high Californication taxes, this flick was filmed in its entirety in New Orleans, instead of Hollywood. They lined up the Dixie dregs outside the water cooling station and gave them all cameos in support of Ray Nagin. Everyone got to reenact Katrina and lay out in the street waiting to be picked up by helicopters. No free plasmas at this disaster rally.

Any movie with Michael Pena getting more than 30 plus minutes of screen time has disaster written all over it. And this is a disaster movie. The remaining cast includes other recently furloughed Latinos, black dudes who change their names to weird shit (see Ne-Yo), random redneck cannon fodder and remaining losers. Bridget Moynahan is as Coyote Ugly as ever and looks like a spooked alien herself with her butchered eyebrows. Everyone else is equally as worthless.

    

Ne-Yo? Did you come up with dat shit in jail?

Where are the real Marines in this movie?
“You had best unfuck yourself Private Pyle or I will unscrew your head and shit down your NECK!”

And now for the perfect segue:
Choke yourself you green grab-asscuous piece of amphibian shit!

 

Ryan Reynolds as Green Lantern Sux

Green Lantern (2011) has been out for a couple of days. The reviews are in: the movie sucks. The story sucks. Ryan Reynolds cannot act. Scarlett Johansson had it figured out before the shit was distributed.

The verdict is in: according to the critics Green Lantern SUX green dicks.

Noisy, overproduced, and thinly written, Green Lantern squanders an impressive budget and decades of comic mythology. (Source: Rotten Tomatoes)

Rotten Tomatoes give it a 24% score on the suck meter. Jason McKinnon asks on his film critic blog “can you ignore bad reviews and enjoy a movie?” The answer is no when you have horrible actors. The Toxic Lunch film blog warns “The Green Lantern sucks the green pickle!” Unwittingly, though, the Toxic Lunch actually thinks Reynolds has some acting abilities stowed away in the crevices of his classic Hollywood pampered child smirk.

Ryan Reynolds’ scope of acting chops consists of taking his shirt off, running to the bathroom to preen over himself, whispering a couple of lines while choking back tears, and hurrying back to the bathroom to primp. Time and budget constraints made it impossible to tell the Green Lantern story in all its epic glory, so Reynolds is cast perfect to pretend he’s in a hurry all the time, to jolt between the scenes to get the premise of the story done in a matter of 5 minutes. Then you’re overwhelmed by a makeshit CGI world of cartoon characters while Reynolds dangles around on wires in front of a floating blue screen filmed in New Orleans. Fuck the story.

Ryan Reynolds always in a hurry to avoid acting.

They stuck the Third Guy from the Pizza Place in the movie to liven things up. Note that the Two Guys doing a Girl in a Pizza Parlor show on ABC lasted 4 seasons in the late 90’s early 2001 and went from No. 34 in its time slot (slightly ahead of the QVC network) to No. 104 in Season 4 (slightly ahead of TV snow, but behind a test pattern). (Source: Wikipedia) There is a reason for that. Ryan Reynolds cannot act. He can act like an asshole, but that isn’t really acting.

  

What's is more entertaining?

The DC Comic goliath has blown it on this one with not only piss poor story telling, but shitty actors. Common would have been a better casting choice as the Green Bling with a Ring on his Thang and he can’t even speak the English language without slipping into gutter-speak. And he would fit in perfectly on locale in the Chocolate City.

Black as night, bright as day, no evil and shit shall get in my way!

Hollywood's first New Orleans choice for Green Lantern vs. the Katritians.
"Cut and print. Now, go get me some coffee and fried donuts, boy."

Like Common Cents, Ryan Reynolds is still a pampered little boy in a grown man’s world, and until he gets a few decades older, watching him play a leading man is just a joke. Every movie and sitcom this guy has been in so far sucks. His Hollywood lifestyle cannot afford to be in disaster after disaster, so he better wise up and spend more time in acting class and less time on calisthenics. No wonder Scarlett Johansson left the narcissist for an older man. (Source: Starpulse) “When you’re done Sgt. Meserve, send her up to Nathan Fillon’s house for some time with Dr. Horrible.”

 

Says Penn, "yeah I hit that and I just played a queer in a movie called Milk."

We the viewer have to remember, that just because a movie sucks and bombs at the box office, doesn’t mean it doesn’t make any money. Writers, directors, caterers, technicians, producers and actors all get paid. The same studio that produces the movie is the same that distributes it and collects the royalties from toys and merchandise. Maybe Nathan Fillon will play our Green-tinted hero in the reboot, after the Wal-Mart bargain bins are emptied with this current trash. He did do the voices for the animated series…

“Frankly Scarlett, I don’t give a damn. I’ll take Ryan Reynold’s, Sean Penn’s, Chris Penn’s, Kal Penn’s and Common’s sloppy seconds…”

          


									

When original stories are butchered, superhero movies suck for a reason.

Hollywood loves taking the cheap route when it comes to film making. They work movies like FEMA HUD housing projects; cookie-cutter storylines, token characters and modernized themes rolled into a pile of shit to please the masses. Today’s directors strive for mass appeal instead of targeted audiences.

Hollywood action figure, He/She Man

It begins after the screenplay is agreed upon. Movies are whittled down to nothing in screenwriter committees; final casting is based on exaggerated budgets and financially strained by bloated and talentless actors. More time, money and energy is spent on special effects and over inflated egos, while the cheapest commodity in movie making- the storyline, is flushed down the toilet. Hollywood believes big name actors, not plot, lead to box office draws. Even the highest paid superstars can’t save sinking movies that have been butchered on the story board. Their drug induced logic is counter-intuitive.

No Donald Blake in the new Thor (2011) movie.

Thor (2011) completely deletes the original character of the 1962 Marvel comic book story created by Stan Lee and fans will not be happy. Originally, Odin casts his arrogant son to earth and into the body of handicapped medical student Donald Blake. Blake finds out he is the Norse God of Thunder during the course of the comic and leads a double life as doctor and superhero, helping the sick and fighting evil. Donald Blake is a key element of the Thor legacy. Source: Wikipedia.

    

By eliminating Thor’s human alter-ego, Hollywood ditches a significant character to have more beefcake time with leading guy Chris Hemsworth to avoid paying another actor to play Donald Blake. Hollywood you suck.

Captain America is not a draft dodger.

The original comic book story of Steve Rogers’ aka Captain American starvation in a German prisoner of war interment camp has been removed in the 2011 Captain America release. Hollywood jumps ahead to the super soldier serum injection but at least spend the money to show a scrawny Rogers up to his superhero transformation. The story is set during WWII which is appropriate per the storyline. Captain America will be the summer 2011 hit, not just for the Marvel Universe, because they stuck to the original story. Rumor had it that yes, Will Smith was tapped to play the comic icon. Any director or producer who even flirted with that idea is a Communist and should be expelled to the Arctic Circle where the Captain America movie ends.

With “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” scrapped,  Hollywood actually allows Captain America (2011) to show the United States military as a positive force, albeit nearly 60 years ago. It’s OK to fight Nazi war criminals and smash their faces in with the shield of America. We at the Hollywood Walk of Shame agree.  Hats off to writers Chris Markus and Stephen McFeely. Other Marvel and D.C Comics movies should have followed your lead. That is what made the Punisher War Zone and The Watchmen mindless enjoyment.

Wonder Boy in tights.

Spiderman is a pussy, consistently. Sam Raimi directs Tobey Maguire to be as slobbering and emotionally weak as possible in the role of the Web Slinger. Instead of chasing tail and going out on dates like a normal college kid, Raimi has Peter Parker cry incessantly throughout the series, up to the blubbering Spider Man 3. Maguire’s Peter Parker actually wears mascara, dances at a jazz club, reads poetry and has internal battles with his own sexuality. Raimi’s pitiful version of Spiderman is Dawson’s Creek on rooftops. Written by pussies, directed by pussies, acted by pussies and enjoyed by pussies. However, pussy is the last thing on their minds. We all know Peter Parker had no problem with ladies, per Stan Lee and the comics. Why the need to turn Spiderman into a queer, then?


Enter Tim Burton’s and Joel Schumacher’s world, but do wear a condom.

Tim Burton does a good job on subliminal visuals and dark themes in his movies, but his stories suck. Scrawny Michael Keaton was too weak-chinned to be the Dark Knight; Val Kilmer did a good job despite his pouty Botoxed lips; and Clooney’s distracted version of the Cape Crusader (and Batman & Robin’s childish plot) sank the Buttman films to the buttom of cinematic dung heaps. Maybe that was their intention.

Holy Buttcrack, Batman! They fagged up your custom!


Batman and Robin was less entertaining than the Ambiguously Gay Duo. Luckily the franchise has been saved by a real man, real writers and real actors. Thank you Chris Nolan.

Queers usually don’t make good superheroes, save Ace and Gary. Two thumbs eagerly up, little buddy!!! Segue to Superman Returns.

Buns of Steel on the big screen.

Bryan Singer, another openly gay Hollywood director, is like kryptonite to the original Superman story. His version of the Clark Kent character was designed to appeal to the Perez Hiltons of the world. Despondent and other-worldly, Singer sees Superman as an asexual alien who just happened to bond with Lois Lane.


Bryan Singer directing a naked Wolverine is all giggles.

Brandon Routh acts like the original Christopher Reeve with uncanny reprisal of the Chris Weitz character in the homoerotic sleeper Chuck & Buck, written by and featuring the fruity Mike White. Similarly, White has become a powerhouse in Hollywood’s gay underground of writers and producers, though hiding in cameos of work as a nerdy intern, such as on ABC’s Glee and other gay friendly episodes. Bryan Singer’s not so subliminal but totally seminal messages permeate his twisted version of the modern superhero in both the X-Men and Superman Returns. Sorry Hollywood queers, comic icons were never shirtless Gap models.

 Chuck & Buck, inspiration for Superman Returns with a butt buddy?

The X-Men trilogy included gay characters in drag and torn lace. The story was based upon a genetic mutation that normal people outlawed [gay sex] and ostracized those transformed by hereditary disorders [being born]. Hollywood likes to take the science out of the original stories and inject their politics and world view. Movies don’t have to be ultra violent to be enjoyable, but that is for us to decide, not Hollywood. Gay directors must hate intense battle scenes and almost always cast a female villain. These Wonder Women from the Amazon are capable of fist fighting their male counterparts, despite being outweighed 3 to 1. Don’t be afraid to use your nails, boys.

Scoutmaster and funny man Paul Lynde in the Mounties, but in the closet sort of.

We’re not saying homosexuals aren’t talented, funny or capable of writing poignant stories. We’re just saying they aren’t any in Hollywood and we don’t want to watch them queering up potentially good action movies.

Pass the ass wipe, Mr. Fantastic.  

 

 

Barbershop director Tim Story won the token toss and was chosen to screw up this Marvel favorite. Writers Mark Frost and Michael France pulled the Fantastic Four (2005) script right out of each others’ intellectually devoid arses. The banter between the characters is akin to Power Rangers or something from the 1970’s Krofft Supershow. Even my 4 year old says this movie sucks. The special effects are lame and the Thing looks like claymation.

 Saturday morning cartoons are now officially better than Hollywood.

Jessica Alba hones her acting abilities on the set on Fantastic 4.

Rise of the Silver Surfer had a slightly larger budget and less room to screw up, but still the incessant back and forth dialogue between characters as a subplot is simple irritating mindless filler.
         

                    why do you keep running your goddamn mouth?

Superheroes are super for a reason: they don’t have everyday bullsh*t problems and fight amongst each other. They don’t jibberjabber or have speech impediments from listening to too much rap music. If they’re gay, they keep it to themselves while they fight crime. Hollywood is incapable of exploring the ‘human element’ because they are brain damaged from drugs and AIDS. Fire the writers and start over Hollywood. What is the problem out there? Is there a quota of disadvantaged (i.e. minority) directors that the Marvel enterprise has to meet, hence the Fantastic 4 having to be rebooted from scratch? Tim Story should stick with Nickelodeon and directing Queen Latifah and Jimmy Falon.

Supah Ninjas on Nick in the ghetto, directed by Tim Story- with George Tekei, Oh my!

Rumor has it suckie Zombieland writers Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick have been penned to create more crap in a sequel and possible Deadpool movie. The horrible looking Green Lantern starring Ryan Reynolds hasn’t bombed yet at the box offices, however Hollywood can’t wait to cast the talentless child hack in a major role. Ryan Reynolds’ acting consists of whispers, puppy dogged eyes, taking his shirt off and running to the bathroom. Prior to that he was cast to cuss incessantly and act like a dick. Will Green Lantern be any better? Of course not. As in the Green Hornet, trailers show the movie to contain a Jewish sidekick [wasn’t Rogen second fiddle to Kato in Hornet?] who has nothing to do with the original storyline. Hollywood promises Ryan Reynolds will reprise his role as the smart ass, foul mouthed piece of shit he attempted to portray in an X-Men Origins: Wolverine spin off, Deadpool: Dead on Arrival.

Wade Wilson, aka Deadpool, loses his cool during a Fourth Wall moment.

Wow. A spin off -of a spin off. No acting lessons required after the Green Lantern DC Comic icon is turned to shit this summer. Good news is only if Reese and Wernick stay true to the Deadpool story and disfigure the character again, as was done in the Wolverine movie, i.e. transformation into Weapon XI. This may be as enjoyable as watching Hayden Christensen take a lava bath in Revenge of the Sith. Any movie with Ryan Reynolds’ mouth sewed up might be watchable. The audience of a Resse/Wernick  movie would also like to, as they say “break the Fourth Wall” and choke all the characters.

Queer producers, token directors, talentless actors and worthless out of touch writers have turned the majority of these potentially memorable superhero movies into shit. Thanks again Hollywood for your contribution to American society and the decline of our civilization.