Admit it Holllywood: John Carter 2012 is a great movie. You just hate Confederate soldiers. You wanted Common to play the lead role: runaway slave goes to Mars and meets wisecracking Dane Cook, overlord Dustin Hoffman and his princess daughter from New Orleans, Jade Pinkett. With cameos by Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill. What’s the matter Hollywood? You didn’t get the chance to F**K UP this movie so you didn’t market it and lost $200 million in profit? Sending a message to producers of quality entertainment that if you don’t stick one or more of the above mentioned talentless hacks in your movie, you will pull the plug???  (Source: Washington Post “Disney says ‘John Carter’ to lose $200 million-putting it among biggest flops ever”

Edgar Rice Burroughs, creator of the Tarzan character, began writing the John Carter of Barsoom series 100 years ago which introduces our Confederate hero in the story “Under the Moons of Mars.” Texan Lynn Collins, still working out her acting chops plays the love interest princess of Mars, Dejah Thoris.

     

Wild eye’d ‘Southern boy meets Wolverine’s old lady on Red Planet.

Hollywood is in love with Canadian redkneck wannabe Taylor Kitsch, but sell his guilt ridden character short shrift as billing him “an ornery Civil War captain.”  Director Andrew Stanton and screenwriters at least try to stay true to the original story in this big screen adaptation. That is why Disney did not correctly market this well-made and well-acted movie. Period.  We give this movie 3 Stars instead of 4 because of strange re-writing to place the ubiquitous Mark Strong as yes, you know, the Baddie Bald Bad Guy. The character Matai Shang from the third book in the original series, “Warlords of Mars,”  is played by Strong as effortlessly as ever other SOB he plays. Depth-less, rushed and as unentertaining as a Green Lantern reunion.

   

There are some hints of the Star Wars prequels with flying around shit and bumping into the CGI obstacles as the characters jet pack around the airless planet. Everybody walks around shirtless in the negative 50 degree weather, though Carter the Earthman can jump around in the weak gravity and beat the hell out of the natives.  They kind of go overboard on this. Perhaps Mars was warmer a 150 years ago, despite being 1.5 times further from the sun than Civil War torn Virginia.

Time was spent writing this big screen adaption, making it enjoyable and even interesting.  Thank God, otherwise it would Hollywood would have ruined the dialogue with inane smart asses, a la’ Homeboys in Outer Space.

“can’t a black man own a space suit?”

Seth Rogen has cameo in John Carter?

In Kentucky they use rocket glue to get to Mars.

Don’t sweat it though, we’re still waiting for the big screen production of another CBS Saturday morning classic. Rickety Rocket, BLAST OFF!!!

Perhaps Rogen, Mike Myers, Whoopie Goldberg, Jonah Hill and some Muppets will be in the sequel Jumpin’ Jephoshaphat and the Red Planet.

I wanna go to Florida… but landed on Mars, can you believe they love all things Jew here, too?

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Comments
  1. ScrewDisney says:

    Recently watched this flick on TV with low expectations and i ended up loving this film. Some things fly by real fast and no movie is perfect but it somehow managed to immerse me and it was awesome.
    I really liked the fact that they didn’t outright demonize John Carter’s Confederate roots even though Disney tried it’s best to hide it under the rug. The director managed to cram an impressive story into a 2 hour movie and the music was fantastic.

    I think the reason the film bombed was not only because of John Carter being a confederate soldier , but also due to the fact that Disney was being lazy with it’s marketing and the public’s over-reliance on “professional” Internet critics ended up pushing away a large number of people away from this visually stunning film.

    The sad thing is , we will never be transported back to Barsoom now that Disney lost their rights to make a worthy sequel and squandered an opportunity to make something extraordinary.

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