They have the nerve to call this crap an “action thriller.”

Sitting through Angelina Jolie pretend a British accent and Johnny J-Boy Depp whisper throughout a movie is as thrilling as sitting in a public Porta-Potty at a Blues Traveler’s concert; they both stink and you feel up to your neck in shit.

Saw the whole “Tourist” thing as a Suck Fest within the first 10 secs of the trailer when Jolie opened up her D.S.L.s (remember, this broad used to carry around a vile of Slingblade’s blood around her neck). She’s no spy and she ain’t tough, clocking in at an anorexic buck o’ five. The only pleasure watching her kick box the bad guys is the hopeful shot of seeing her used up V-Jay. Still wouldn’t mind taking that pretty mouth on a trip to Pound Town, though…

Secondly, American transplant and consummate pussy Johnny Dripp is so in love with Euro-trash culture he dresses up off the set like a young, not-so-hepatitis-infected Keith Richards, with full blown mascara. As if to sink further down in the Parisian alleyways where he can act out his butt pirate fantasies as Capt. Jack Swallows. Slimy hair, bad breath from puffing cheap French fags (and cigarettes) and a cheesy beard covering acne scars, Johnny Heartthrob makes the frail Orlando Bloom look like the He-Man/ leading man we’re supposed to believe he is (Kingdom of Heaven). Take a BATH!

Johnny Depp and Keith Richards on the set of Pirates. Like father like son.

Type-casted Paul Bettany does no better in this Tourist shit, reprising his weird albino stare from The Da Vinci Code. I guess the whiter and pastier you are these days, the more villainous the character you get to play. What’s next  in Hollywood’s quest of emasculating the American male and making whitey the evil ones? Oh yeah, they’ve already cast Neal McDonough as every blonde blue-eyed scoundrel for the last 10 years.

Neal McDonough playing Hollywood’s version of the average criminal.

Two thumbs my ass! Movie reviewers anticipating a hit actually act suprised that The Tourist sucks. Just look at the same a-hole D-List actors doing the same characters with the same lines, again with the same GD’d look on their smug pasty white faces (Bettany a la the soon to be released crapfest Priest, which is I guess the pre-Kill to Legion). Johnny Depp is as much a leading “man” as Leonardo DiCaprio. Both he and Jolie didn’t bother to even try in this remake of the originally poignant movie called Anthony Zimmer. Watch this do-over spin clockwise as recipient of the proverbial Porcelain Awards (counter-clockwise for Australian viewers).

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