The Rum Diarrhea, how AIDS was introduced to the US

Depp gets a boatload of sloppy seconds in The Rum Diary.

There isn’t much of a plot, but here is the synopsis: drunken, whispering Johnny Depp character goes to 1950’s Puerto Rico as a disgraced New York City reporter to help the failing San Juan newspaper. He meets blonde wife of rich white guy Aaron Eckhart.

While the Navy uses one of the outskirt islands as target practice, blondie Amber Heard loves the local carnivals and gets turned on by dancing with resentful local Afro-Caribbean dirtbags. The moral of the story is that Americanos suck. The whole thing is enough to make you sick.

The US military gets to pound the Puerto Rican coast and the local mob gets to pound the all American girl, trash her up and take her away from her asshole husband. Depp gets the drippings.

Somewhere in the plot, Eckhart has something to do with the military annex. Halfway through the movie, the blondie Amber Heard character convinces all to go dancing at one of the local dirtbag cabanas, where she gets it on with a big black African choreographer in front of her husband. The sweaty sugarcane picker gets to pick Blondie’s locks on the dance floor while her husband Eckhart is forced to watch and can only scream in protest.

Blondie is surrounded by a pack of local patrons and an outraged Eckhart is tossed out of the club with drunk tag along Johnny Depp. Rich white guy can only bang on the club door as she is willingly undressed on the dance floor and subsequently gang banged by a hundred big black bucks. Nary a peep in protest from the sexually repressed housewife, who is subsequently tossed aside by her disgusted rich husband.

Happily being souped canned by the locals during a night on the town, Blondie wanders around the island after being locked out and disowned by her adopted family. She winds up in Depp’s bungalow. Somewhere in the plot Depp is investigating something in between hangovers. They have unprotected sex 1960’s style during thunderstorms, death threats and a non-existent plot.

woke up HIV positive lately?

Infected with the dormant AIDs virus both live happily ever after. Until their livers fail and both die from colds they caught from their house cat.

Bravo. Wonderful storytelling. The End.