Three Muskets and a queer; Darkest Hour: when only 20-year assholes are left on the planet

Posted: November 10, 2011 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Hollywood has a knack for taking a perfectly decent screenplay and casting children in the leading role, even going so far to put California shit for brains along side seasoned actors.
(See Josh Hartnett and Harrison Ford, ugh RAH!)

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The 2011 version of The Three Musketeers movie gets a C Minus because of the casting of Logan Lerman. Born in 1992 in Beverly Hills, Califa-f*ck-you, this kid couldn’t act if you rolled him in honey and threw his sorry ass over a cliff onto the set of the Wickerman. Someone in Hollywood keeps having kids and sticking them in the movies, hoping to ruin the whole action genre. Watching this particular little f-in’ prick is as exhausting as watching a teenage Darth Vader; you hold out hoping he gets his arms and legs chopped off and thrown into a lava pit. Unfortunately, Lerman’s betrayal/portrayal of D’Artagnan continues to breathe at the end of the movie. The DVD doesn’t even offer an alternate ending with a pole ax through the face.

Percy Jackson meets Louis XIV

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Throughout the movie we are repeatedly reminded how “cocky” the character Lerman/D’Artagnan is. That is a sign of bad script and a bad child actor, whose only world experience is talking shit in Beverly Hills junior high. Pitiful, pitiful, pitiful, pitiful. Is everyone taking acting lessons from Ryan Reynolds these days?

What is wrong with this picture? Does anyone see the odd actor out?

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Hollywood attempted in 2010 to combine Californian Logan Lerman with mythology in Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief. Son of Poseidon? More like son of a bitch. Their same attempt in The Three Musketeers (2011) is like some sort of time machine that channels assholes from the future. The prick cannot even muster a French/English accent. He is as droll and unentertaining as an episode of anything Joss Whedon concocted on the toilet. Is this a copy of “Much Ado ’bout Nothin‘?” Does it get any f*cking worse?

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Starting top left to right: Logan Lerman: born 1992 Hollywood, CA; Ray Stevenson: b. 1964 Ireland; Luke Evans: b. 1979 Wales; Mila Jovovich: b. 1975 Ukraine; any way you get the picture. How the hell do you cast someone as talentless as this along side actor actors/actresses who’ve been in the business over 10 years?

The shit begins with D’Artagnan finishing his sword fighting with his Mexican American father (played by Dexter Fletcher) and then off he goes to Paris to be a c*cksucker. And Lerman remains a c*cksucker throughout the movie. Director Paul W.S. Anderson even has the little c*cksucker go up against James Bond baddie Mads Mikkelsen (b. 1965 Denmark). Anderson is content making D-movies that have Mila Jovovich jumping around like an alpha-bitch; unfortunately there is not one once of sexy in Jovovich’s 14-year old boyish body. Plus she has a weird looking Neanderthal face. Better to cast her in a Ringo Star remake of Caveman.

Orlando Bloom (b. 1977 Canterbury, England) as the Duck of Buckingham (duck I say) pulls his role as a dickish fop off effortlessly. As a matter of fact, all the actors other than the little c*cksucker Lerman do quite a good job in their roles. The special effects are somewhat entertaining, including [SPOILER ALERT] the floating battleships cruising across the English Channel.

Grown ups, do yourself a favor and avoid this movie. Don’t give the Hollywood pricks the satisfaction of patronizing a movie that casts a fucking child in a man’s role. Your stupid teenage whore daughter may enjoy the Gossip Girl type dialogue. There are some scenes of the Parisian country side that look good in HD. If you are going to watch this flick on BlueRay, just go take a leak or grab a sandwich when painful scenes with Logan Lerman pop up. Otherwise, if you sit through one scene of this turd, you’ll turn it off and miss the movie. He is that bad.

No, Hollywood is that bad. Goddamn. They actually attempt teen-age love scenes and dialogue with the 16-year old child actor. The only love scenes involving Logan Lerman are those between his face, a glass coffee table and his Beverly Hills talent agent’s sweaty nutsack.

The 2001 version of The Musketeer, if you can find it, with Chris O’Donnell look alike  and male model Justin Chambers is light years better than this one. Hell 1998’s Man in the Iron Mask is better. Then again we get to see DiCrapio locked away for our viewing pleasure.

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Mad Max is getting tired of watching shitty shit actors, but we’ll squeeze out some more reviews, so you don’t have to sit through the dogshit.

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There is no story and zero plot behind The Darkest Hour. Just another end of the world motion picture where the fate of the planet lies in the hands of a bunch of kids, who just happen to be partying at a Russian club when aliens attack Moscow. Wow!  How original. The movie lacks enough special effects and action to be even slightly entertaining.

What is up with these skinny f*ckin’ punks who couldn’t win a badminton game with a 9-year old girl? This is Hollywood’s “Killer Elite?”  What happened to the goddamn end of the story?

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This appears to be an ongoing genre in Hollywood lately; that is marketing a movie that ends halfway through the plot. It is a Hollywood gimmick the film studios use to grab the 20-something movie goers’ attention, then make a movie with one or two special effects scenes shown in the trailer. Hollywood producers keep their shit flicks under budget and their financial backers are happy. You already paid to watch this shit because of the trailer. You don’t need a complete movie with any story resolution because you’re an idiot who voted for Obama and Justin Timberlake afficiando.

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Why do all these movies involve 25-year old douches who don’t even read or write you ask? Because child actors work cheap. Seasoned actors require more money and California is in no short supply of talentless baby faced white kids standing in line to be on the silver screen. Movie producers and directors put their own kids in their half-assed movies and save even more money.

You’ll make the mistake of renting these movies if you didn’t already walk out of them in the theater. There is an ongoing conspiracy in Hollywood to jip moviegoers, especially post-pubescent patrons who only get half  a movie at full ticket price.

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