Posts Tagged ‘Samuel L. Jackson’

The same confused and baffled puppy dog look in every movie.

Ryan Reynolds still has not taken those acting lessons to get those chops up a notch and out of the Dollar General bargain bin and par with something movie goers can actually sit through. Other than the God-awful Dead Pool, every movie this guy is in is a certifiable box office bomb. Despite the continuous bad acting, flop after flop keeps Reynolds on the late night talk show circuit and the Lionsgate payroll. Next he teams up with America’s second favorite negro in another forgettable waste of time, The Hitman’s Bodyguard.

Go the F*ck to Sleep.

In this latest Black-on-White romp, Sam “the MuthaFucka” Jackson piles on his signature ghetto babble, spitting and cursing through every line, while Reynolds narrates his over-rehearsed, rushed, and unbelievably scripted bullshit. Reynolds always sounds like he’s on a job interview at Star Bucks and about to piss his pants.

There is no one dumber, more annoying, or ubiquitous than this fucker.

We can’t really critique something we’ll never actually watch, so maybe there will be some Easter Eggs, cameos, and funny bloopers in the end credits. This is like the 20th movie this year for Samuel Jackson. By 2019, this crack head will be in every single movie and on every TV and cable channel, 24-7.

I’m everywhere, goddamit. I’m in your dreams and when you wake up.

What’s in your bowl, bitch?

Cattle Chips aka Tossin’ Biscuits 2017.

Thanks Hollywood, for making a movie with the absolute ugliest muthafukahs in the industry. What a genetic mishmash of complete failures, such as kidnapper look-a-like Michael “the Friendly Fruitpicker” Pena. Dax Shepard’s face looks like he was born in a motorcycle wreck. Smoking pot gives actors such a dynamic range minus birth defects. We actually broadcast this shit to other countries who want to cut our heads off.

First sign that a movie will suck is if it has the following in higher billing than Stagehand:

  • Michael Pena.
  • Any members of the SNL alumni.
  • Any female cast as the lead action hero or playing a cop.
  • Any male lead under 25 years old.
  • Any child playing a computer hacker or possessed.
  • Any movie with Ben Mendelsohn billed higher than bit part. Just another talentless buck-toothed junkie with zero range; more on this later.
  • Anything with Seth Green or other midgets.
  • Illiterates like Samuel L. Jackson, in fact if Sam Jackson is anywhere near the movie, the movie is automatically complete SHIT.

Absolutely no reason: Tarzan, Kong: Skull Island, Kingsman, Robocop, Star Wars: Revenge of the Shit, etc., etc.

Then there are fake Hollywood couples who can’t afford their fake public lifestyles, going through foreclosures as fast as deleted memes.  It’s a bunch of horsehit.

If this is Hollywood Royalty, then there is something terminally wrong with our culture.

Thanks California for keeping vomit inducing Dax Shepard semi-employed with his phony itty-bitty-titty nothing of a wife in cameo. Sloppy asses and distorted faces make for good paparazzi fodder. Note Kristen Bell never took her gene donor’s married name in case of spontaneous miscarriage after realizing what she has done. She is the breadwinner, while her insignificant other’s shit doesn’t even make it to the bargain bin at General Dollar.

 

Welcome to the Family Circus.

Vincent Duh Uno Frio- uh Der- reprises his Gomer Pyle role in between licking Bill Clinton’s nutsacks.

Talk about a House of Lies.

THE GOOD PLACE — “Everything Is Fine” Episode 101– Pictured: (l-r) Kristen Bell as Eleanor, William Jackson Harper as Chidi — (Photo by: Justin Lubin/NBC)

Don’t point your shit at me, bitch! I’ll slap a bitch fo dat.

Kristen Bell as Jeannie Van Der Hooven and Don Cheadle as Marty Kaan in House of Lies (Season 5, Episode 05). – Photo: Michael Desmond/SHOWTIME – Photo ID: HouseofLies_615.R

Some would say the Kentucky backwoods produced the most inbred retarded looking fuckers in the country… we beg to differ. California has the most fucked up looking creatures on the planet wandering the streets. Thanks to decades of Democrats, drugs, and welfare, the human genome has mutated to create anomalies like Dax Shepard. Something that takes itself as serious as this ugly ass is not a mistake. It is a Hollywood creation designed to turn everything to fucking shit.

Title holder of the world’s worst movies.

Who the fuck thinks this shit is funny or entertaining?

When you gonna have that abortion bitch?

Watch this shit.

 

Why didn’t you have the government-paid for abortions?

Let’s go pull over some drunk illegal aliens.

Oh Shits, it’s Michael Pena’s papi.

IMG_6643  Joel Kinnaman in RoboCop.

2014’s RoboCop is God awful, rehashed throwback tripe. Hollywood has run out of stories and this crap has everything you hate: Samuel L. Jackson hooting and hollering as usual, plus the random Jew homage played by Jay Baruchel. Screenwriters don’t even take the time to explain Jackson’s presence in the movie as he plays an undefined Bill O’Reilly talk show type character; Jay Baruchel is there simply as down payment for Sony Picture’s Jewish investors. A movie just isn’t a movie without a loud mouth black guy and a whiny Jew. Hell, the same formula has worked a million other times, why not just do it again?

SAMROBOCOP bat 9

The evil corporatey corporation corporate rich bad guy Micheal Keaton is as beady eyed, pursed lipped and uninteresting as ever. Keaton has probably never had a single day of acting class in his career. His shtick is as is tiresome as his face, kinda like watching Dana Carvey doing his 30-year old impressions on the Tonight Show. SUCK.