Movies on tight budgets usually have the story gutted on the cutting floor, leaving it to Hollywood to inject the most sickening character actors into a dying plot (a la The Day the Earff Stood Still). Battle Los Angeles has potential to be better than producers intended, however the aliens suck and the movie offers nothing but Marine banter with loud bangs and pops. Granted, the Marines in the movie are cool, but the aliens not so much as random CGI shot through long distance view finders. The illegal aliens living in Los Angeles are the subplot. Real aliens land to take over L. A., then enters the mainly Hispanic civilians to be rescued. Basically, the movie turns South of the Border within the first 30 minutes.

Aye Papi! Send in the Marines...we can't swim...just kidding!!!

The beaches of Santa Monica are the backdrop of the first wave of alien invasion to be the antithesis of the constant wave of illegal migrant workers from Mexico. What Battle L.A. lacks visually, it does make for a good recreation audibly of what combat sounds like, especially in Dolby high def. The movie sounds goods, looks good in the trailers but that’s it. The movie is apparently the stepping ground for something else, like a test pilot for a Transformers-type movie. They almost got it right, save the fucking stupid storyline.

Meteor shit!

B. L. A. also has no characters, no plot, no subtext and no reason. So why does the Marine unit headed by Staff Sergeant Aaron Eckhardt spend their time saving all the wetbacks before the Air Force nukes the place? The Michael Pena familia, don’t you know, Papi Chulo, he’s a distinguished actor? Guess all the smart people had their jumper cables ready when the meteorites started landing and left town before the looters. Slimy haired Michael Pena and other “undocumented civilians” and their interactions with the soldiers is the bulk of this movie. Basically the movie is about one Marine sergeant trying to give one little Mexican kid some life lessons after his daddy (Pena) is finally drugged away by space bugs, as if they were the INS. They ran out of story, they ran out of money and they ran out of characters, so to make it dramatic they just have the same interactions with the same two characters for the life of the movie. They really ran out of talent.

 

Michael Pena last seen with Caylee Anthony? Or will he play the cop again?

If you’re looking for action and science fiction, this movie ain’t it. It is cookie cutter, it is stupid and more over it is just plain insulting. Mexican Americans can obviously take care of themselves, but the stupid little fruit pickers don’t have a ride out of town and are left behind. Wow Hollywood, who came up with that? Due to high Californication taxes, this flick was filmed in its entirety in New Orleans, instead of Hollywood. They lined up the Dixie dregs outside the water cooling station and gave them all cameos in support of Ray Nagin. Everyone got to reenact Katrina and lay out in the street waiting to be picked up by helicopters. No free plasmas at this disaster rally.

Any movie with Michael Pena getting more than 30 plus minutes of screen time has disaster written all over it. And this is a disaster movie. The remaining cast includes other recently furloughed Latinos, black dudes who change their names to weird shit (see Ne-Yo), random redneck cannon fodder and remaining losers. Bridget Moynahan is as Coyote Ugly as ever and looks like a spooked alien herself with her butchered eyebrows. Everyone else is equally as worthless.

    

Ne-Yo? Did you come up with dat shit in jail?

Where are the real Marines in this movie?
“You had best unfuck yourself Private Pyle or I will unscrew your head and shit down your NECK!”

And now for the perfect segue:
Choke yourself you green grab-asscuous piece of amphibian shit!

 

Ryan Reynolds as Green Lantern Sux

Green Lantern (2011) has been out for a couple of days. The reviews are in: the movie sucks. The story sucks. Ryan Reynolds cannot act. Scarlett Johansson had it figured out before the shit was distributed.

The verdict is in: according to the critics Green Lantern SUX green dicks.

Noisy, overproduced, and thinly written, Green Lantern squanders an impressive budget and decades of comic mythology. (Source: Rotten Tomatoes)

Rotten Tomatoes give it a 24% score on the suck meter. Jason McKinnon asks on his film critic blog “can you ignore bad reviews and enjoy a movie?” The answer is no when you have horrible actors. The Toxic Lunch film blog warns “The Green Lantern sucks the green pickle!” Unwittingly, though, the Toxic Lunch actually thinks Reynolds has some acting abilities stowed away in the crevices of his classic Hollywood pampered child smirk.

Ryan Reynolds’ scope of acting chops consists of taking his shirt off, running to the bathroom to preen over himself, whispering a couple of lines while choking back tears, and hurrying back to the bathroom to primp. Time and budget constraints made it impossible to tell the Green Lantern story in all its epic glory, so Reynolds is cast perfect to pretend he’s in a hurry all the time, to jolt between the scenes to get the premise of the story done in a matter of 5 minutes. Then you’re overwhelmed by a makeshit CGI world of cartoon characters while Reynolds dangles around on wires in front of a floating blue screen filmed in New Orleans. Fuck the story.

Ryan Reynolds always in a hurry to avoid acting.

They stuck the Third Guy from the Pizza Place in the movie to liven things up. Note that the Two Guys doing a Girl in a Pizza Parlor show on ABC lasted 4 seasons in the late 90’s early 2001 and went from No. 34 in its time slot (slightly ahead of the QVC network) to No. 104 in Season 4 (slightly ahead of TV snow, but behind a test pattern). (Source: Wikipedia) There is a reason for that. Ryan Reynolds cannot act. He can act like an asshole, but that isn’t really acting.

  

What's is more entertaining?

The DC Comic goliath has blown it on this one with not only piss poor story telling, but shitty actors. Common would have been a better casting choice as the Green Bling with a Ring on his Thang and he can’t even speak the English language without slipping into gutter-speak. And he would fit in perfectly on locale in the Chocolate City.

Black as night, bright as day, no evil and shit shall get in my way!

Hollywood's first New Orleans choice for Green Lantern vs. the Katritians.
"Cut and print. Now, go get me some coffee and fried donuts, boy."

Like Common Cents, Ryan Reynolds is still a pampered little boy in a grown man’s world, and until he gets a few decades older, watching him play a leading man is just a joke. Every movie and sitcom this guy has been in so far sucks. His Hollywood lifestyle cannot afford to be in disaster after disaster, so he better wise up and spend more time in acting class and less time on calisthenics. No wonder Scarlett Johansson left the narcissist for an older man. (Source: Starpulse) “When you’re done Sgt. Meserve, send her up to Nathan Fillon’s house for some time with Dr. Horrible.”

 

Says Penn, "yeah I hit that and I just played a queer in a movie called Milk."

We the viewer have to remember, that just because a movie sucks and bombs at the box office, doesn’t mean it doesn’t make any money. Writers, directors, caterers, technicians, producers and actors all get paid. The same studio that produces the movie is the same that distributes it and collects the royalties from toys and merchandise. Maybe Nathan Fillon will play our Green-tinted hero in the reboot, after the Wal-Mart bargain bins are emptied with this current trash. He did do the voices for the animated series…

“Frankly Scarlett, I don’t give a damn. I’ll take Ryan Reynold’s, Sean Penn’s, Chris Penn’s, Kal Penn’s and Common’s sloppy seconds…”

          


														
Comments
  1. toxiclunch says:

    Thanks for the linkback! I love your line describing Reynold’s “Pampered Hollywood smirk” – I really wish I could have come up with that one =) hehehe. I think the guy is funny, he’ll never be an Al Pacino or a Ian Mckellen, but when it comes to comedy the guy can scratch some laughs XD. Awesome post, and thanks again!

    • Mad Max says:

      Right back at ya Mr. Toxic.
      Maybe it’s a generational thing, but these young guys like Ryan Reynolds, Dane Cook, Shia Labeouf, Johnny Knoxiousville, etc., etc. have never made my ilk even crack a smile. We turn the channel when we see their faces. We’d rather watch a homeless guy fight a ghost for a sandwich under a bridge somewhere than sit through anything Ryan Reynolds is in. Watching a cat bury a turd is as equally entertaining as that guy.
      Just one movie critic’s opinion.

      • toxiclunch says:

        You just game me an awesome idea! Let’s dress up bums like Ryan Reynolds and call the Bum Fights dudes! Bums dressed as Van Wilder fighting for half a hoagie! XD

  2. Wyatt Shev says:

    Quick question – do you actually like *any* fucking movies? Or are you just a professional, full-time racist asshat?

    • Mad Max says:

      Reviewing racist movies does not make a “racist” out of those who point out the propaganda Hollywood is pumping.
      Obviously it is shocking to the mental midgets to realize they are people out there who can think for themselves.
      “Battle East LA” synopsis: illegal fruit pickers are too helpless to escape a real alien invasion.
      “Green Slatern” is more Ryan Reynold’s box office gold.
      These movies are made for the Jon Stewart crowd of non-thinking, uncaring and disloyal, probably much like yourself.
      Keep reading.

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